In a rare unilateral effort, the United Influenzal Force has condemned recent H7N9 incursions into the human population as “blatant and flagrant imperialist actions”, citing the virus’s repeated flouting of UIF sanctions in its spread from avians to the admittedly prime target of humans.

The move is backed by several viral worker unions, the majority of which have seen their wages dwindle in the face of aviary newcomers who will infect for far less than the minimum viral wage. Fluen Virii, a human child infector from Beijing, spoke to the Times about how the wage war has affected him: “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve got rent and two mouths to feed, and these aviary immigrants have taken everything. I haven’t fed on a human in a week, I can’t even afford my kids’ antibody medicine. Those damn aviaries are taking all our hosts.”

Tensions mounted at a protest outside the H7N9 embassy last Friday, where over 10,000 displaced workers and protesters alike amassed with signs bearing such slogans as “GET OUT OF OUR HUMANS” and “PULL YOURSELVES UP BY YOUR VIRUS STRAPS.”

But not all UIF citizens are as harshly critical of the aviary newcomers. Professor Grippe of the University of Pandemics had this to say: “We’re all viral immigrants. We all had to evolve and adapt to new hosts, and the aviaries are no different. Let’s not be blinded by prejudice on the issue. We’re all one viral family.”

As tempers continue to flare, it remains to be seen whether the professor’s words–seen as prophetic by some and subversive by many–will be heeded and allow for cooler heads to prevail.



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